Do I think whatever exists between Yoshi and I is over? I can’t say because I can’t say it ever was truly given a chance to start in the first place. After 12 years, the fact that we still clearly both have such deep affection for each other speaks volumes to me. But through the fog of emotions surrounding my relationship with Yoshi, one piercing, undeniable fact remains: there was never a chance that we would’ve been able to pursue what our hearts have wanted for more than a decade. So, I use this fact as a guidepost going forward. And I go forward knowing that the feelings I have for Yoshi will probably never fully fade.
But I value his presence in my life as a gift from the universe, one that I will treasure and protect to the best of my ability. Hopefully, the voices crying for something that will never come to pass will eventually fade and we’ll be able to truly enjoy friendship, maybe without all of the complex emotional subtext. Either way, moving on, whatever that looks like, is my only option.
My second tattoo was a response from Yoshi when I asked my group of Yamagata friends at the end of my first year of teaching what was one word they would associate with me. Yoshi’s response was “shouka” — rising, ascension, or continued elevation. It struck me so that he associated me with a constant upward trajectory that I chose his response; it remains my most valued ink.
I use this as my lodestar as I navigate this phase of my relationship with Yoshi – to rise above emotional yearnings in order to nurture and protect our friendship. If anything, this trip has starkly shown me that life is only but so long.
And I vow to protect this relationship with all my heart, for I want him in my life for as long as I am gifted with life on this Earth.
**FIN**
unrequited 