Saturday
Dawn crept through my window. We lay holding each other, gently dozing in the pale light. I lay in complete peace with Yoshi’s arms wrapped around my waist, dreaming of a real future with him. Every time I felt myself giving into the dream, though, I would wake up and stare at his profile, feeling the sharp pang in my stomach and knowing this was the end. As he slept, I took in his every feature obsessively, from his thick, dark shock of tousled hair, to his smooth bare chest, down his flat, muscled stomach and onward. I found him to be perfect. He was absolutely flawless, his creamy golden-yellow skin stretched taut over his broad, athletic build. Not a single imperfection, not a blemish to be seen. In my eyes, simply perfect.
Feeling time slowly gaining speed as it passed, I could no longer bear being so close to him, knowing that I would soon be losing him. I carefully stumbled out of bed and climbed into the shower, letting the hot water wash away the mounting grief building in my chest. I stepped out of the tiny bathroom to start getting ready. As I dried off and prepared for the day, I would glance at Yoshi’s sleeping form, trying to take a mental picture I could carry for a lifetime.
He finally awoke as I was putting on my make-up. He smiled at me through bleary eyes as he yawned and stretched. I found I could not speak, could hardly breathe, the pain was so sharp in my chest. I merely smiled back at him and pointed him toward the bathroom. After he showered, we both finished getting ready and headed for the door. As we reached for the doorknob together, we paused at that moment, knowing this would be the last time we would be alone. We glanced up at each other and after a long pause, we both sighed and slowly pushed the heavy hotel door open; it was time to join the rest of the world.
Exploring Tokyo that day was a dreary affair. There was a pall hanging around all of my friends since my Yamagata buddies would be leaving in the evening and this would be our last afternoon together. Our attempts at our usual joviality were forced and fell as flat as the grey sky above us. As each stop on our walk through the city brought us closer to the train station, everyone grew quieter.
We finally arrived at the cavernous Shinjuku train station at sunset. Yoshi, Keith, and Nobu were leaving us to return to Yamagata. The finale of our crazy, life-changing year together had finally come. With quiet, heavy hearts, we faced the end of our unlikely, amazing friendships, so carefully built these 12 months with love and fun and joy.
We gathered around the entry gates leading to the bullet train destined for Yamagata to say our goodbyes. Keith, Nobu, and Yoshi gathered around me before going through the gates to board the shinkansen. By then, tears were flowing freely down my face. Keith pulled me close and hugged me forever, promising to see me again soon. We pulled apart, attempting to smile at each other through the tears. I then playfully grabbed Nobu and managed to pinch his cheek with a wan smile across my tear-streaked face before saying goodbye.
Lastly, I came to Yoshi. I broke into sobs at that point and we hugged awkwardly. Neither of us could speak and I felt the looks of pity from everyone around us. Finally, Yoshi gently backed away, bowed to me slightly, and turned toward the gates, glancing back with a tight, sad smile and tired eyes as he walked away. The trio of my dear friends made their way down the escalator, taking my impossible love and fallen dreams with them. Charmaine held me and Matt put his arm around my shoulder as I stood in the middle of the station and quietly wept. It was done.
unrequited 