He drove off and I was crestfallen.
The evening had actually started with my expectation of getting Yoshi out by himself for once. I was in desperate need to talk to him outside of the crush of people we were usually surrounded by. I had carefully plotted this night, cajoling my friends to let me have the Saturday night off from partying with them. I had convinced Yoshi to go out with me solo, telling him that Nobu and Matt, our standard Saturday night party buddies, had other things to do and that Keith was with his girlfriend.
Yoshi, on the other hand, apparently didn’t get the memo because he still ended up inviting Matt to come along with us anyway. Matt, being the good guy he is, couldn’t say no, so he agreed to come, but only after checking in with me. So Yoshi picked up Matt first, eliminating even the possibility of private time with him. Matt could tell how disappointed I was when I climbed into Yoshi’s SUV. I forced myself to pick up my spirits, though, and enjoy the evening out with two of my favorite people. We drove the along the pitch-black mountain roads to a tiny okonomiyaki restaurant hidden down a dark, winding side road. As we sat around the table on the tatami mats, my attempts at conversation felt forced. I was still stinging from the disappointment of not being able to talk to Yoshi one-on-one.
By this time, I had come to realize the depth of the feelings growing for him and I had a strong suspicion that they were by no means one-sided. I knew I couldn’t be imagining the vibes between us, how we were always drawn to each other, no matter the crowd or location. His gentleness with me, guiding me home when I’m too drunk to see straight, or tending a wound from being dropped on my head by a student (that’s another story). The way he looked at me.
I needed badly to have the time to gently pull out of him how he was feeling about me, about us, if there was or ever would be an us. Really, I just wanted to talk to him on a more intimate basis than we were able to when surrounded by people watching us through the balcony door.
Despite nursing my feelings, the meal was good and I actually came to enjoy myself. We left the restaurant in pretty good spirits and headed back to the city. On the way there, I sat beside Yoshi in the passenger seat, talking to him while Matt dozed off in the back seat. As usual, I could feel the energy between us. I was actually beginning to feel like I was going crazy, however, as Yoshi gave no definitive sign of his feelings for me. He actions spoke so much louder than his words, however.
I was beginning to see how even other people saw the connection between us, could see an obvious preference for each other; I could tell by the way our friends gave us a wide berth when the two of us were in our own world of conversation, how they would subtly shift seating arrangements to allow the two of us to sit together. These may sound like small, inconsequential actions, but in a group-based culture, these kinds of acquiescences are tacit acknowledgements of the existence of some type of relationship.
I knew I felt something between us, I knew something was there, and I wasn’t going to let this evening’s opportunity pass without trying my best to explore what it was and what it meant to him. We pulled into Matt’s neighborhood first, which meant that Yoshi and I would be alone on the drive to my house, finally. We said goodbye to Matt and as he got out of the truck, he leaned over and quietly told me to cheer up, that things would work out.
We left Matt’s apartment and started talking about general topics, nothing heavy. As we pulled up to my apartment, I held my breath in the hopes that he would offer to come up. He didn’t, so I invited him up myself in one final attempt at getting him alone for more than a few minutes. Of course, he politely declined, saying he was tired from a long day of work. I was let down, but expected my offer to be rejected, so I climbed out of his SUV and headed up the stairs to my apartment. I turned to wave goodbye and he waved back. Sighing, I opened my door and entered my apartment. I kicked off my shoes and headed to my bedroom, tossing my phone on my futon.
As I got ready to change into my night clothes, my phone rang. Very unusual, as people always sent texts, especially at this time of night. I looked at my phone was doubly shocked to see that it was Yoshi calling. I tentatively answered and he quietly asked me if I wanted to come out. I said yes and he said he was on his way back. I tossed my phone back onto the futon and stood in my room in flabbergasted silence. As what he said sunk into my head, I slowly put my clothes back on and fussed with my hair, somewhere between numb with shock and buzzing with anticipation. My phone chirped with the text that Yoshi was downstairs, so I headed to the door, my heart skipping beats.
He awaited me in his truck, a small smile on his face. I was beside myself. I was still holding my breath as we pulled off – there was still the chance that he may call Matt to join us. But after a few minutes, as we drove further from the center of the city, I realized that we were on our own. We chatted amicably about the evening and I finally asked him what we were doing. He said he needed to go to his garage where he kept his Harleys so we headed in that direction. Just before we reached the garage, he pulled into a conbini. We hopped out and headed into the store. We wandered the aisles, pulling various snacks and drinks into our baskets. While picking up a beer and a couple of Chu-his, I noticed that Yoshi was also buying alcohol, interesting because he was driving and never drank when he knew he was going to have to drive. I didn’t say anything and we went to pay for the food. He paid for everything and we got back into his truck.
We pulled off and drove the short distance to his garage on the edge of the city. It was pitch black, so he pulled out his flashlight and guided us into the building. As he turned on the lights and tried to get the heater going, I wandered over to his bikes. Two were his and the others belonged to the guys in his Harley club. This was their clubhouse, a large, dank garage that housed their bikes and equipment, a couple of couches, a TV, refrigerator, and a Playstation.
Yoshi pulled out a couple of stadium coats because it was so cold in the building. We sat down across from each other on opposite couches and turned on The Exorcist, enjoying each other’s company and using the movie as a lens through which to talk about American culture. The frigid temperature prompted Yoshi to invite me to his couch so we could share a coat. We sat side-by-side under the heavy coat as we watched and commented on the movie.
The evening was perfect. I didn’t push for anything and I think Yoshi was just happy to share my company. I thanked him when he dropped me off in the early hours of the morning. I headed into my apartment, smiling ear to ear, heart full of warmth.
unrequited 